I’ve always considered myself mainly an optimist. Sure, looking on the bright side of things tends to get people to exclaim, “That’s not being realistic”, but that’s not how I see it. I’m perfectly capable of looking at a situation from all angles and occasionally have leaned on the more cynical/realistic side. I always find, however, that my primary mode is optimism, at least when helping people deal with problems. It makes me feel better to try lifting someone’s spirits in the face of bad news and maybe even makes them feel better in return.
But in recent months, I’ve been tested again and again on that. My mom has been going through some physical hardships that I won’t fully go into. But between having conversations with her, my dad, and her family, it’s fallen to me more and more to try to keep her mood up. She’s had a history with depression and recent events have brought that out thanks to a mix of physical pain and frustration. It’s upsetting to see her in a bad state, though the depression hasn’t appeared to be as bad as you might suspect (i.e. no self-harming involved). Still, it’s become harder for ME to stay positive in the face of constant doctor appointments that yield no helpful, concrete answers.
I don’t want to come off as though I’m faking my optimism, and so far I haven’t felt like I have. But I won’t lie – my spirits aren’t exactly hunky dory either right now. I’m sick of entire situation and if a quick fix were available, you can bet I’d take it in a heartbeat. I love my mom and feel fortunate that this situation hasn’t caused resentment toward her, but everyone is aware of how hard this situation is on all involved and I’m no exception. Her family might see me as some kinda pillar of strength, but those closest to her aren’t blind to the fact that myself and my dad have been struggling. That said, I’m still going to do my best to stay positive until the situation HOPEFULLY resolves itself. I’m not only trying to focus on the possibility of that, but also a couple games/books I’m interested in perusing soon and my fiance’s visit in July. Because it’s one thing to lift someone else’s spirits, but it’s important for me to give myself a boost as well by any means necessary.