Well, after watching a video from a person I’m subscribed to on YouTube last night, I got inspired to write another blog this week. Brace yourselves, ’cause I’m about to get serious for this one. Also, I have not changed the names of the people involved, but of course have left out their last names for decrepancy.
Like most people, I get many traits from my parents, some good and some bad. For the most part, most of the traits to come through my relationship with my boyfriend have been good. And even some that would be considered “bad” he finds endearing. Some examples would be my tendency to be possessive (I trust HIM wholeheartedly, but if another woman dares to make a move on him some day, watch out), and my lack of patience in some cases. But there is one bad trait that I worry comes up on my part: Pushiness.
To be blunt, I’ve always felt my mom wears the pants in my parents’ relationship. She’s the one who has to push my dad to go out to places and try new things. And while my boyfriend and I are open to both as it is, I worry sometimes that I push other things too much. A recent example would be me bringing up his eventual proposal to me. I’ve noticed (as he most likely has) that I repeat myself often about it, even if it’s me saying how I don’t want to make him feel pressured into it. In all fairness, it’s something we both want very much, but I still feel like I’m pushing the issue and need to step back before he DOES feel pressured or gets really annoyed at me. Being pushy is a trait I’ve been trying to squash since the first time it REALLY backfired on me.
This is where the story of my first major crush comes in. The guy, Ben, started out as my friend. I met him when I went into high school and we soon started hanging out with mutual friends. We had a few things in common like a love for video games, sharing the same favorite character in Buffy, and having high aspirations once we got out of school. By the time Gr. 10 rolled around, I had developed a pretty big crush on him.
Then… He started dating a girl I knew since elementary school, Shawna. During a night where we were chatting over the phone, I let it slip that I had liked him. He confided in me that he’d liked me too and had he known for sure I liked him before, he would’ve asked me out. I was of course disappointed, but I let it go knowing we’d at least be friends. A month or two later, however, they split up. And this is where the pushiness demon comes in.
A few weeks after they split, still happy at the thought that he’d liked me, I started asking Ben about us possibly going out on a date. This wasn’t something I asked on a daily basis, but I did bring it up at least once a week or more from then on, thinking he’d be willing to give it a shot. Now, during this year, he, I and Shawna all shared a class together. I stupidly made it vocal around her when we were alone that Ben and I might try dating. As a token of good will (?), she handed me a necklace to give back to him, which in my mind signaled she was way over him at this point.
Things went downhill from there. One late afternoon, as classes let out and I was waiting for my bus, I started chatting with another friend, Lyndsy, who I knew since kindergarten. She shared an English class with both Ben and Shawna, and it was in that moment she divulged two pieces of information to me. One, Ben told her he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me, but he wasn’t that into me and wasn’t looking to date. And two, Shawna was bad-mouthing me to her friends, telling them she couldn’t believe he’d think of dating someone ugly like me.
In that one moment, my crush was over. I kept a brave face in front of Lyndsy and on the way home, but inside I was devastated. At home, I picked at my dinner and when I hopped in the shower I cried and sobbed the entire time. I don’t remember ever telling my parents what happened, but by the next day I felt so down and physically ill that I stayed home from school. And even after all of that, by the next year I was asking, no, pushing Ben about his promise the year prior to at least take me to our Gr. 12 prom. Needless to say, I got over that BY Gr. 12, and Ben simply remained a friend until we went to separate colleges.
Even since then, I’ve worried about being too pushy in any sense, be it towards crushes or my now boyfriend. But then I remind myself that I’m the one who has to be in control of that, and I’m definitely not as naive as I was back then. On top of that, I’m with a man who does confront me on my behavior and does his best to tell me things to my face. And no matter how worried I may get, my resolve to be the best I can be for him and love him unconditionally is what keeps me strong in our relationship.